Am I Marrying the Right Guy?
I won't say there is no such thing as the "Right Guy" because there is. And, you decide what is "RIGHT" for you.
I had completed my post-graduation - was 25 then - started working full time with mom and dad, so my mom called me to her office one day. We sat and talked about day to day business and suddenly, she questioned me about Marriage? For a few reasons (like being molested as a child by known ones and strangers twice or thrice in life - the story of literally all women - right?), she had this whole set prepared in her head thinking why I should not hate men and think about marriage in future and not right away, but take my time to find my own guy. Find My Right Guy on my own - because as per them - "UNSE NA HO PAYEGA" - since I am a tough cookie to crack.
My teenage life was a drag - never really thought of dating - never had any proper crush either. I was a shy angry (internalised anger) young girl just focussed on studies. And as I said in my last post I looked like a young chubby Randhir Kapoor - so I really doubt any boy ever fancied me either in my school days. But, I had to convince my mother that I don't really hate men considering luckily, I had already dated two guys during graduation and post-grad years - had long term on-off relationships. First Ex, lasted like a year mutual separation - sweet guy! Second Ex lasted like 2+ years maybe, biggest asshole in the world - not his fault entirely - we just didn't click - but really thankful to him, for teaching me what I DON'T want in a guy! So I was somewhat experienced wounded player of love!
So while being 25, my so-called serial dating life started - I was practically on all dating apps under the sun including matrimonial apps - tried each for few months switched to another. Mostly I connected with dating apps since I could talk to a guy directly there instead of me talking to a prospective guys father or mother on matrimonial apps. And it wasn't really with the mindset to find a guy to marry. I was simply dating for fun to actually see what's really out there - I still remember my dad and mom very weirdly wishing me best of luck - go have fun - before few dates - might have gone on dates with 17-18 random guys (that's whole another hilarious set of stories for other blog posts) - enjoyed great conversations - dumb conversations - had great lunches or dinner - sometimes free - sometimes dutch - but I just couldn't connect with anyone mentally or emotionally or physically to be honest after first one or two dates.
So Guess where I found my Husband, Rishabh in end? Sept 2016 - A Business Networking Meet in out of all places - and within a few minutes of meeting me - He was like "Janemann Date Pe Chale?". That was bold - that was charming - that just clicked! I am not an easy person to please - I know I am somewhat Mental and somewhat Difficult person. I know my personality scares 90% of the men population - plus I am a large woman so it definitely takes some steel balls to ask me out and I said Yes - to him! I definitely think - I am darn lucky to have met him. Cut to - 2018 - 5th March - I married my soulmate! Now at 2020, 15 Oct - He completes Me - He's My Home! If I knew marriage to him would be so fucking awesome, I would have married him way SOONER!
In this whole process of random dates, random crushes - me simply putting myself out there - I learnt a few things which I strongly believe applies to all relationships - be it love or arranged. So let's discuss -
Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before Committing Be it Relationship or Marriage
Do you Know Yourself? - What are your wants and needs in life? What are your happy and sad triggers? What motivates you for the future? Do you love yourself enough to be independent - have your own space - give your partner space - and still grow together? Strong enough to handle fights and confrontations? Mature enough to "agree to disagree". Grown-up enough to know life is full of ups and downs. When you blindly jump into a relationship with no clarity - you tend to have many wrong assumptions and expectations out of it and when they clash with your partner - it's a no go from day one.
Do you Love Your Body? - Here I am referring to self-love literally aka Masturbation. Understanding your body first is better - before letting a complete stranger impose on yourself. Self Pleasure is the key - know your hot spots, if your fingers and hands or your toys (would suggest every man and woman get one) can pleasure you then you can let your partner know what you like and dislike. Sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction of both are equally important. If you don't know your own G Spot or Orgasm Points - how will your partner ever know? What are your comfort points? Be clear about hugs, cuddles, touches, back rubs. Ask your partner their likes and dislikes. Be comfortable about discussing it - please stop thinking that your partner will magically telepathically understand everything. Talk - Just talk - if you can't really talk - it will be either bad sex for life or bad relationship to go forward with.
Are you Ready For Relationship? - Crushes or Lust are fantasies - being in love and being in a relationship or getting married are sold hard enough through consumerism already with added societal pressure of being seen as a loser while being single. That's all rubbish. You like someone - then you love someone - I still remember a conversation I had with a friend - I was already engaged then. The question was - What is love? All I could think of was companionship. A companionship to share our lives and be a witness to each other's life. To accept - we are not perfect individuals - but we become perfect together. To respect each other's space and cherish each other. In short, while shitting also your partner looks cutest in the world to you!
Questions You Need to Clarify with Your Partner.
Mental & Emotional Compatibility - Don't take it lightly? Does he/she make you happy? Do your future goals align? Is it an equal relationship? Whoever is compromising more needs to stop, it's not healthy. Are you being respectful to each other about your time, space, work, dreams, wishes or be it any aspect of life? Are you being kind to one another? Are you openly communicating enough? What's the pattern of your fights? Do you reason out your fights and settle or do you have cold ego wars? Some people date for years and then realise they want something completely different from life! Many end up marrying thinking the partner will change post marriage - that's the biggest misconception - people don't change. Don't fall into the trap of if I love him/her enough they will change in future and love me back the way I want - this is all garbage. Either it's a healthy equal relationship else it's not - so better walk away from unhealthy one right away! You need to align with your partner mentally and emotionally - you can have hours and hours of endless conversation with them and never get bored. But, you are completely comfortable with them in silence as well. Relationships are never meant to be super hard, Bollywood and Hollywood have spoiled everyone - making us think what is love without angst and pain! Complete bullshit! Communication is the key. When you both are together - you are content and happy and at peace in the heart - that is the correct signal!
Sexual Compatibility - A must - Not saying jump into bed right away - whatever your choice you decide - but you need to have the chemistry and attraction to want him or her. So if it doesn't spark no matter how hard you try - walk away immediately. And as mentioned above, love your own body first and then your partners. Orgasms for both partners are equally important.
Societal and Cultural Compatibility - If one doesn't give a fuck about what society thinks and the other is obsessed only about what others think. It will never work. You need to be together towards one side of the graph at least instead of being polar opposites. Either you together make your own rules or you both should be mature enough to "agree to disagree" on such topics. For example, in most cases with today generation, I have seen men don't really care about religious ceremonies or family functions or relative dramas - in which they fight with their parents and leave it to wives to deal with the situation, instead of discussing with parents maturely and finding a neutral ground. And in many situations - the new wife be it love or arranged - is almost a stranger to her own husband and his family in a completely new environment adjusting herself - is expected to resolve the fight between husband and parents - When your "RAJA BETA" is not listening to you then why the fuck will he listen to a complete stranger!
This has a very simple solution - Example, Rishabh and I are both more on the agnostic side and are really far far away from many orthodox views. But we can't expect both sides of parents to change their views overnight because of us. We decide - what we can actually do or not. We understand our thoughts and handle our own fights - then talk to our side of parents that this is the solution for this event. We are very clear on - we fight our own battles. I will handle my parents and Rishabh will handle his. If let's say my parents come to Rishabh with my complaint - asking to make me understand - then he politely asks them to talk to me directly - same happens vice versa.
Your social and cultural views have to have some common ground, else it's a difficult journey ahead.
Family Compatibility - Take your time - From being engaged to getting married I intentionally took a year. Just because - both families need to know each other first. You really need to check compatibility with your inlaws. Set correct expectations - In my case, I literally told my MIL - that I am a legit crack lady in some way - so we need to see whether we can adjust together or not. So there is no way in hell, I will marry within 3 months. I need a year at least. I am very - mark my words - very lucky to have very humble and fun inlaws who take life easy as well. And Rishabh gels more with my parents than even ME! Don't enter into marriage thinking you will be the BEST DAUGHTER INLAW in the world. Just Don't! I declared before marriage only that I don't want to be so-called "Best Bahu" - I never will be - Enter the family as a daughter with all your faults the same way you lived in your own home with your parents. Set yours and their expectation as close to reality as you can and again - talk openly - communicate openly - do discuss the difference of opinions if any. Keep it simple.
Money Compatibility - Discuss money matters openly between you two. You need to have a clear understanding of savings, future planning - investments, expenditures, happy expenses, etc. Be financially independent for sure along with seeing your finance grow together as well. Even if let's say only the male partner is working - which happens in case of many arranged marriages - discuss your finances with your wife with all honesty - make her an active financially independent person - while managing household expenses - don't fucking assume she is dumb and not discuss anything. What if you die just now? Will your partner be capable enough to handle themselves financially once you are gone? And will you take your money to grave or what? Just discuss it openly with your partner.
Household Compatibility - Division of household chores. Shared responsibilities are a must. If you both are working full time - get a house help if you can afford one. Makes life easier for everyone. Kindly understand, its not your partner's duty to make sure you're well-fed - You are not a child - You are responsible for your own food. Appreciate when one cooks for you. It's not out of duty or courtesy. It not written anywhere in the marriage contract - that one partner has to take the whole load of making sure - food is ready, children are doing okay and maintaining the whole house. If the house help is not there, Your partner should know how to fill water bottles, how to run the washing machine and dry clothes, how to make their own tea or food, etc - the basics of survival. The dependency solely on one partner is completely unfair. This is the main reason for divorce in maximum cases, women are way too trained since childhood - being a girl she was taught everything as if one day she will go for WAR and most men don't realise how fucked up they are responsibility wise. A woman wants to marry a man, not a child. If as a man you are interested in being a child only, then please live with your parents only don't burden a woman unnecessarily. I at times, joke with Rishabh - that men really need a Grooming School Before Marriage to even qualify for Marriage with all basics training. Really lucky to have Rishabh, staying away from parents for studies and his global exposure made him a very independent man. Be it a man or woman, you have to try living on your own - away from your parents at least once. It definitely matures you and helps you to be responsible for your own shit. He owns his own shit and I own mine. Have personally seen 3 divorces so far - just because of household compatibility issues so don't take it lightly.
And a gentle reminder, relationships are not supposed to be super hard - if you think there is unbalance of any kind - walk away now. Marry the Right Girl or Guy - who is right for you - and is ticking your real list and not hollywood or bollywood - fake lists. Keep it real - don't live in fantasy or one-sided love or Stockholm Syndrome. You really know it in your heart when you're stuck in a bad relationship - so have the courage and just get out of it now - he or she is not worth it.
In conclusion, as everyone says always, communication is the key. Both partners need to communicate openly about everything. Know your souls inside out. Respect each other and grow together.
This is post is dedicated to THE MAN, MY LOVE - Rishabh Jhol
You reinstated my faith in Humanity, filled me with love and made me believe that not all men are the same. You healed my wounds and you always stand strong with me all the time. Together - We are Love. You are the definition of what a true man is.
As Irene Adler was THE WOMAN for Sherlock Holmes.
Rishabh Jhol is THE MAN for Rashmi Nair.